How do I connect with my teenager?

One day we have a lovely young person living in our house and the next day we don’t recognise them. But then they are back again and we are so confused. Teenagers change so much, sometimes it’s hour by hour. I experienced this with my daughters and I can think back to when I was that age too.

One minute a teenager thinks they are 18, “you can’t tell me what to do, I’m 14 and have a life of my own” and the next they are 7 again and cuddled up next to you on the sofa. It’s a confusing time for them and a very confusing time for us.

In my practice I see quite a few teenagers who swing between these two states. Wanting to go out and hang with their friends, go to parties, get boyfriends and girlfriends and then other times, sit in their room reading a book whilst cuddling their favourite teddy.

So how do we communicate with them when we don’t know which version of our teenage son or daughter we are going to see? One of the most important things to do is listen, give them time and really listen to them. We try to fix our kids, we try to make things better for them and sometimes we just cannot do that. That is when they can get really angry and say that we don’t care. Their brain will not allow them to see that we do care, they think the whole world is against them.

Think back to when things were tough with your parents, they tried to help but couldn’t or they just let you get on with things, you felt alone. You felt angry, like nobody cared and nobody understood how you felt. This is the same for your teenager now, the hormones racing through their bodies, the pressures of school and social media and friendship issues. It can all become too much.

The teenagers I see, feel alone, they are not alone but they feel it. I give them a safe space to talk without judgement and without the same boundaries that are at school. They all know that they can talk to me in confidence but that there are some instances when I may need to involve their parents but they agree to those terms. They are lovely people, they are children whose brain is tricking them into thinking they are adults.

So communicating with your teenager is all about giving them time, setting boundaries but also understanding that they need to learn about then world for themselves. Obviously in the 21st century, life is very different as so much is lived online, but the feelings are the same as we experienced all those years ago. Be patient, be honest and try not to take their mood swings to heart.