What is it about communicating with kids that stresses parents out? Is it being understood, heard or ignored? Or is the real concern, making things worse? I bet I am not the only parent who has said “I know what it’s like to be a teenager” only to be confronted with “but that was ages ago, you don’t know what it’s like now” and then hearing a door slam!
It’s true, we have been there before but it’s also true that we don’t know what it’s like now. Social media has played a huge part in how our kids develop into teenagers. I remember still being a little girl at 13 but 11 year olds today are so switched on. This is scary but what can we do?
Being a teenager is hard, hormones are rushing around the body, school pressures, friend and relationship issues, family issues and social media. One of the things I hear a lot about from kids is the cost of living. Our teenagers are worrying about money, this is not good. So how do we communicate with our offspring when they don’t seem to hear us?
Well are we hearing them? I don’t mean the banging of doors, the shouting about not being understood or the groans about doing their homework, I mean are we actually hearing what they have to say. Teenagers I see in my practice open up to me because I am listening, not only am I listening, I am hearing what they are saying. You may think that this is the same thing so let me explain. When we are having a conversation (argument) with our kids we want to prove to them that we care, that we understand and that we are right. We hear the words “it’s not fair”, “I hate you”, “you just don’t get it” and we assume that those words are targeted at us as parents. But there is a large element of projection there.
“It’s not fair”, this is pure and simple frustration at the world, not just at us parents who say they need to do their homework or go to bed. To the teenage brain, the world is a place they want to explore, to learn about and they have to do their homework and do well in their exams. They need to learn about themselves, where they fit into this world, who they are, who they want to be. Being restrained by boundaries stresses them out. I explain to all kids I work with that boundaries are necessary but that being their age is hard. They are in limbo, they are not small children who need everything doing for them but they are not legally adults and so they need to respect parental rules. On one hand we are telling them “do your work, take responsibility, get good grades and then you will get a good job, have a house and afford things” and then on the other hand we are saying “you need to be in bed for 10pm, you must do your homework, you are coming out with me at the weekend, I am not leaving you home alone”. No wonder they are confused and feel like everything is “NOT FAIR”.
“I HATE YOU” this is a hard one to hear and also talk about. When a teenager yells this at you it can make you feel so many different emotions, but do you realise that they are shouting at themselves too. This again is projection, a teenager will shout “I hate you” in your face but they are saying it to themselves too. The frustration that they are feeling is just too hard for them to understand and because you are a safe person for them to shout at they do. But when they storm up to their bedrooms, are they crying about telling you that they hate you or are they upset because actually they hate themselves? Interesting isn’t it! Being hated by your child can feel so overwhelming and painful but think about from the other perspective, they are telling you that they hate themselves. This is tough to hear and understand and even harder to fix. We cannot fix their problems, we cannot make their friends be nicer, or their teachers give less homework but we can sit with them and find out what they are going through personally.
I remember going through phases with both of my daughters yelling at me that they hated me, it was rubbish. I was a single parent so had to try and cope alone, I thought I was a useless mother and that of course my kids would hate me. I mentioned being a safe person earlier, this is where this comes in. If your child yelled at someone in the street or at school there would be some kind of consequence but to yell at you, the person who brought them into the world, who loves and protects them, they unconsciously know that you are not going to retaliate. They don’t mean to yell at you but they have no other way of getting their feelings across. Yelling back will make it worse, let them calm down, give them space and then try to find out what’s going on. Obviously your boundaries matter but so does the mental health of your child. I learnt this the hard way. When a teenager hates themselves, feels frustrated and unheard, they can turn to self-harm.
Self-harm can be a way for your teenager to express to you that they are struggling, sometimes it’s kept private and other times it can be a group thing. If one teenager starts, others can follow. Self-harm is scary but it’s not the problem, it’s what they are using to feel better. I do not understand this from a personal perspective, I don’t understand why cutting or burning yourself would make you feel better but that’s because I hate pain. This is your child’s way of punishing themselves for the frustrations they are feeling and their inability to express to others that they need help. Don’t panic and automatically think they will try suicide next, ask them how they are, tell them you notice that they are not looking happy, ask them what you can do.
Above all listen to your children, hear what they are saying and look further into what they are feeling. Ask for help, speak to school, college or a counsellor such as myself. I have been through this personally and so for every teenager I help, I know I am helping a parent to feel less useless…and that matters.
Victoria Warwick-Jones Counselling 